Slit my wrists, slide from these shackles, free my heart. I'm trying to grasp clutches of air that can't be grasped, to walk on clouds that can't sustain my weight. I am not light enough to float anymore. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a puddle of hate for my own being. I'm not helping myself nor those around me, so why am I of substance.

A rhythmic heart beat. In my soul and around me. It's the only thing that keeps me going. I'm fighting to keep my flame amongst a drowning world. Water keeps rising. Oxygen keeps cutting short. A bright red cherry of light, struggling to survive. I will get out of this mess. My camera will come back, and I will take better photos than ever. But I will take my time, and build my craft properly. I will have a nice home, with a garden. Only good hearted people will enter. The mountain top will be bright and I will look over this city. I will bring smiles, and own my own one too. I will remain in the warmth of the one who has protected me from this cold world, and return the warmth that he provided. I will settle down in a world full of adventure and love. And hopefully show to those who don't have a flame, how to light it, and keep it lit. And one day, hopefully together, we will keep this dark world lit.

Ester.

What is this monster, what is this beast? She burns inside with teeth bared, dripping red with vengeance. She wants to eat me whole. She has my heart, and she wants my mind. Like a puppet on a string, I fight to control my own movements, but she lulls me back. 'You cannot see the world through thine own eyes' she says. 'they are mine.' She pulls on my heart, claws, until I cannot lift myself out of bed and the instant I smile, she slashes at the lining of my gut. She pokes and pesters my heart until it beats steadily out of control, trying to run away from her. She yells "boo!" at my brain, until it races and attempts to climb out of it's own shell. She rarely lets me rest, a trick always up her sleeve. I am a lowly jack and she a nasty queen, all entwined into one body, to forever struggle, and appear to the world, a confused, frustrated human being.

Naked.

I'm collapsing into myself, arms up, reaching and grasping for anything that can be held. I hold on until I feel secure, and let go to be drawn and tossed by the currents once again- self inflicted pain - and I just can't stop.

Twinkle.

I walked along the sea wall. It was a bright day. Blue skies, white clouds, green pines, and the horizon was blue and clear as far as I could see. My headphones sat on my head, and my camera hung off one shoulder. It was a busy day, and it seemed like every second person that passed me gripped a camera between their hands. I was just like them. I climbed over the sea wall, crouched over rocks, tampered with dials "click, bzzzz, click" and tried to capture the sea. As I made my way back towards the sea wall, my foot slipped. Damn, I thought. The rocks are slippery today. I slowly crawled across the rocks until I could hop back over the wall. Everyone must think I'm crazy. I continued my walk, passing strangers, tightening the grip on my black and pink Lancome pouch which I had just realized I brought with me absent minded. I intended to leave it at home. As I walked my mind rose. Then it sank. Up, down, up, down. What's wrong with me? One minute confused, one minute sad, one minute happy. I jumped onto the edge of the sea wall, one foot carefully in front of the other, balancing and walking along it. I looked down into the blue sea. It would be such a disaster if I fell in. A waste of two thousand dollars and my new clothes. My mind wandered back to a happy free state. I looked up to see a pair of people walking along the sea wall edge. Two boys. I hopped off the edge and back onto the path. Up, down, up, down, went my brain, like the waves of the sea. The walk continued, until I turned a corner and I could see North Vancouver sliding into the landscape, followed by mountains capped with snow. So beautiful. I stopped and took the lens cap off my camera. A view is never more beautiful than when you see it for the first time. On my left huge walls of rock jutted out, crowned with trees, which grew up, up, into the sky. Their roots wrapped around the rocks. I inhaled the air. I love the smell of Vancouver. Mountains, sea, cedar. Before I knew it all I could see was ocean, the path I stood on, and a big wall of rock. The wall of rock extended out as far as I could see. How do I get out of here? The sun was setting and it was beginning to get cold. I continued walking, clicking pictures at everything that caught my eye. An island of birds, that moved across the water like clouds in the sky on a windy day. The islands changed shape and moved back and forth, their sense of direction unpredictable, yet still in perfect unison. So many birds. Before I knew it all of North Van unfolded before me, and a long, beautiful bridge, adorned with white dots of lights extended from above me and over the sea, against the rich dark blue sky. It was really beginning to get dark. Eventually the cliff shrunk back down to the same level as the path, and I made my way off the sea wall to a road. Cars. So many cars. One after the other. It was New Years Eve. I waited for all the cars to pass, lightly contemplating hitch hiking my way out. No, I'll find my way out. Johnny texts me and he tells me to use the map on my phone. He saw my post on twitter about being lost. I turn on my map. I'm still on the opposite end of the island, far far away from home. Great, I thought. I found the shortest route back home on my map and continued my quest. Cars continued to pass me one after the other as I walked along the road. The path grew darker, and soon all I saw were the silhouettes of trees and the moon. Right at the moment I thought the night could never get darker, I saw a glimmer. Red. Red, blue, yellow. Cars turned off the street into a parking lot. A full parking lot. Crowds of parents and excited kids, skipped out of their cars and across the parking lot. I squinted my eyes. Candy canes, lit trees, comic figurines, food. A christmas light festival. It seems like no matter how lost I get, life leads me in the right direction.

I never know what to title these sometimes.

So I looked at it, twisted, not knowing what to expect. Taste it. Tasted good. Like shitake. I sunk back, anxiety tried to work her way in, and I said "NO." Turned on the beatles. The beatles sounded like a good idea.

Consumerism.

Leah and I walked down Robson on a grey rainy day. I glanced around with an ornery look on my face, hundred dollars worth of junk in a bag hanging off one hand. I turned to Leah and snarled "This street is nothing but a consumerist friggin jungle." Suddenly I looked up and an excited smile spread across my face "A Japanese candy store! Eeeee!"

True love:

The hardest thing to find, the easiest to neglect.

Ogres.

I keep my mind busy so that I don't give it time to ponder insignificance. Because once I do that, the monster in my mind escapes, trying to pull me back into its dark depths. No mind, you can't have me. I have a life to live.

Hearts and smiles

You get out of the universe what you put into it. Be good to everyone, and everyone will be good in return. Those who aren't good to you in return will get what they put into the universe, so pay them no mind, and wish them well.

Fly.

Sometimes the greatest act of love is letting something go, when you know you're stopping each other from achieving their greatest potential. I let my dove go, out of love. Fly dove, and go chase your dreams.

First chapter.

I could write a whole book of the sweet, inspirational things you whisper in my ear.

Conquest.

Every morning I am told "have a great day, I love you, now go conquer the world."

This is the best thing anyone can hear at the alpha of their day. Everybody should say this to someone they love, or maybe even a stranger. It's uplifting and powerful.

Fears

Tonight I am alone, sober, and smokeless. I'm facing my biggest fears.

All I have is music to keep me company.

Tangles.

I'm so mangled nobody can understand me. Not even myself. It's my greatest curse.

Blue and green.

A soul was dropped on my path today, on the corner of Davie and Granville. He told me that my auras are blue and green. Blue means calm, and it was fighting, trying to overcome the green aura. Green means emotions. My life is like an hourglass that has been suddenly flipped over. The green sand, my emotions that I am fighting, are being covered in calm blue sand. I don't want the sand on this half of the timer to run out. So I shall make my egg timer bigger, and add more sand.

Once upon a time.

I met someone. He writes and stuff. Scripts. Lots of things. And he took my very real, very blunt life, and spun it into a story. My life became a dream again, the way it used to be. I don't think I mind, I've always been kind of a dreamer anyways.

Every end is a beginning.

Night.

I'm going to embrace this darkness within me. I'm going to float upon it, paint with it, make creations with it, I'm going to ball it up and throw it everywhere. I'm going to eat it. Play with it. Who am I to deny what I am?

Red, Read, Red.

Am I heartless or is my heart too big? Is there a soul behind these eyes, and will I ever know the answer? Lost I am, and lost I'll be. Better lost than found, what's life if there is nothing left to search. My mind and my heart are two million miles apart.

Painting.

Sometimes my best hope of finding true happiness is to keep pretending that I'm happy.

This way I can keep happy people in my life, and keep smiling.

There's no point in letting the seams of the quilt I've worked so hard to make, tear apart.