Resolved.

I love my family.

Who?!

Gettin it all back one day at a time.
Lookout life.
Ima get you.

Homie words it better than I can.

Minus the hollering at chicks and exes part ha.

Commandments of Happy.

Somewhere along the road I forgot how to be happy. I'm not sure where. At one point life was grande and I don't know where I let it gain 20 lbs and hide in a corner with a bucket of double chocolate chunk ice cream. But it's time for change and I have to bring myself back to the morals I lived by. So I'm trying to remember them one by one.

1. NEVER talk shit about anyone. Ever.
2. Surround yourself with positive people.
3. If you don't like something, change it.
4. Try new things.
5. talk to strangers. Talk to everybody.
6. Smile, smile, smile.
7. Don't worry about what other people think. Do you.

It's all about positive energy.
Positive actions have positive reactions.

I wish I wasn't so sensitive to negative energy because it brings me down so much. The smallest thing makes me crash lately and I need to find a way to get past that. I feel like the energy at my home has eaten away at me and I have no resistance to it. Sometimes I wish my parents understood the effect it's had on me. I need to be around positivity to be productive and comprehend how to react to the world. That's it, that's all. When I'm at my best, I know how to deal with bad things, no problem. But when I'm constantly surrounded by negativity it's so draining. I hope moving out is the first step to regaining my life, and hopefully it's an upward travel from here.

Love.

I realized tonight how important it is to always be happy and positive.
Because that's what makes us special.

I love you XoXo.

Circles.

I'm rushing round in a black whirlpool of thoughts that I can't get out of. My arm's sticking out and I just want to be pulled out. I know I can pull myself out but I don't have the energy. I don't have the drive. I'm the only one in my whirlpool and no-one can hear me cry. I only hear distant voices. I don't know if I'm shouting or just imagining that I am, or maybe my voice is lost. I hate these periods in my life. I get into a hole and my emotions just drag me deeper. I'm so happy to the world that I don't want to break down in front of anyone, because I don't even know what I'm crying about. It all feels so stupid. I just want to be out of this cage, where no-one knows how to help lift me out of this mess. I feel like I'm in a house of vines. Black, green. I can see blue skies and white clouds but they seem so far away. I want to stay awake and get things done, but lack of sleep makes me worse, but getting sleep wastes the time I have to get things done. I'm torn apart between a life of work, a life of school, a life of chasing dreams, and a life of getting by. If my emotional state wasn't so fragile this would all be easy. If motivation were a pill, I need it now, in higher doses. Along with a fix my life for a day pill so I can feel caught up. I'm not sure what I need to get my life together but I need it now.

Fame like hollywood.
Gossip like Cornwall.
Egos like butterfly wings.

Jig saws.

The first passion I ever took upon was writing so why can't I write. Why can't I imagine up these little vivid worlds and color a paper with words anymore? I couldn't draw with crayons so I began to draw with words. Now I can't do either. Why do I crumble so easy under pressure. Why can't I spit out a poem or two in a day like I used to. Why can't I spend a day drawing like I used to. I used to be able to do everything with ease when I was young. Now everything is a struggle. Why do I always whine so much. I can't wait for the days when this is all done, and I am happy with life again. I'm sick of redundancy. I'm sick of feeling so isolated amongst a pool of personalities that constantly come and go. I just want stability again. I want real people. This city is too big to be too small. It's too busy because it's too small. A big city is so busy that I can just relax. Relax with the handful I know. The handful that I will see everyday and trust like fam. You just can't do that in a place where you know everybody, not in one that's too big, yet too small. Maybe you can, but I just don't know how, and I just don't fit any of these puzzle peices.

Shut doors.

Part of me is scared to research and write an essay on Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton. It'll make me explore a part of my mind that I'd rather not go spelunking into.

Exhausted.

I am so tired. Of so much. I just want to relax. I wish I didn't think so much all the time. I just want to absorb and enjoy life.

I need to get out of this city before I go literally insane. I'm made for big cities. Not this. I can't handle it anymore.

One thing.

I just want you you and you. And only you. You make every moment perfect.

Lilacs.

My ideas have been evolving into bigger better plans. I'm so excited that I don't even want to say what they are, 1. So that I will be twice as excited when it all begins and 2. so that I will be only half as disappointed if it doesn't work out. But the more I think about it the more I get excited and I think that life has bigger and better plans than what I originally laid out for myself. All I know is I feel much, much better lately. One plan I will be open about is that I have decided that I will ultimately want to pursue a master in arts. I want to take a year break from University right now, and enter a program that I believe is going to supplement my photography in ways that are very invaluable. After that when I have a diploma, I will have work that can support my further schooling. The two are going to constantly build upon each other. This diploma will help my school work, and my school work will help my field of work from this diploma. Every professor I have suggested it to has been highly supportive and believes it's a really good idea. And I decided I just never want to finish school. I want to keep learning until I have reached the top. The other plan is a simple day dream but it has sparked my views on a topic I once thought as bland, redundant and boring, and now I look forward to the days I might consider it. Anyways this is my long ass ramble.

Drink the pain away.

Drinking an abundance of tea has calmed me down.
Plus lighting incense before bed.
And skateboarding in the sun.
And being around lots of people.

Life plan ideas are starting to take a new shape.
Today, life was looking brighter.

Rest in Peace Baby Gibbs.

I am losing my mind.

I am not happy.
Everything bores me.
I hate being broke.
My life at home breaks me.
I am losing the things that are closest to me.
I am getting shut down from things I work hard for.

I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't know how to be happy anymore.

I miss my baby already. He gave me kisses every morning I went downstairs and visited him at the cage. He would run towards my finger as soon as I called him and give my finger kisses. He would kiss my lips if I let him, and let me feed him all sorts of stuff. I miss him so much. He passed a less than an hour ago but the emptiness is already there.

I just wish I could figure out how to be happy again. Without having to force myself to feel happy.
Some day.

Hopefully soon.